


covered in scars i did nothing to earn

by lostin_space



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Past Child Abuse, Vomiting, descriptions of violent/dangerous situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25966810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: 5 times Forrest finds old scars on Alex's body + 1 time he sees a new oneORForrest learns to accept and love the complicated being that is Alex Manes.
Relationships: Forrest Long/Alex Manes
Comments: 9
Kudos: 70





	covered in scars i did nothing to earn

**Author's Note:**

> if i missed any tags, let me know
> 
> title: still hurting from the last five years

.1.

Forrest quite liked the feeling of Alex’s skin.

He was scarred beyond understanding, but his skin was still soft and taken care of with only little bumps. His body hair sometimes camouflaged the little ones and Forrest had created a game with himself to find them like an Easter egg hunt when they were in bed together.

Tonight was no different as he kept his head on Alex’s shoulder and dragged his fingers through his chest hair. It was barely there, but it was enough to play optical illusions.

“Oh,” he breathed, rubbing his index finger gently into a little knot of a scar over his heart, “What’s that from?”

Alex lifted his head to look at it as if he didn’t know before letting his head all back to the pillow. Forrest kissed his arm before snuggling back into his shoulder.

“Got stabbed,” Alex said like it wasn’t a big deal. Forrest lifted his head and stared at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“You got stabbed _?_ ” he said, trying to keep the calm demeanor that Alex had, “Over your heart?”

“Yeah,” Alex yawned, his eyes settling closed, “Leather tools or whatever.”

“You got stabbed with a _leather slicker?”_ Forrest said, eyes wide as he looked closer at the scar. It was still sort of red, newer than the rest. “When did that happen?”

Alex was quiet and Forrest wondered if he’d fallen asleep, but when he looked at his eyes, he was looking right back at him. He looked like he didn’t understand why he was asking.

“I don’t really want to talk about this,” Alex said cautiously. Forrest adjusted himself just a little, worry still heavy in his system. 

“Well, are you at least okay?” Forrest asked. Alex nodded, combing his hands through his hair.

“Yeah,” he said, “I’m fine.”

Forrest wasn’t quite sure he believed that, but he pressed a kiss over the scar and laid his head down on Alex’s chest again.

.2.

Forrest felt stupid.

He’d stopped kissed Alex the minute he got on his knees, instead finding his eyes locked on the scars lining Alex’s hip. Precise lines, all the same size and all in a row with the occasional vertical line across them. They were old, that much was clear, but they were _there._ He hadn’t noticed them before.

“You okay?” Alex asked, looking down at him. Forrest quickly made it look like he wasn’t staring, like he wasn’t overthinking everything Alex had told him about his childhood, like he wasn’t terrified for a boy he he’d never met.

But this was a man. He wasn’t going to bring it up and make him feel guilty for what he couldn’t change.

“Yeah,” Forrest nodded, pushing a kiss on Alex’s lower stomach, “I’m okay.”

As he settled himself between Alex’s thighs, he couldn’t help but look for similar scars. He found them, too, a row high on his inner thigh. Forrest’s stomach dropped, but he tried not to think about it as he took Alex into his mouth, doing his damnedest to make him feel _good._

But, because Forrest was notorious at self sabotage, he found himself thinking about the other people Alex had slept with in his life. Had they noticed? Alex had told him that most of them were quick fucks in dark allies, so they probably hadn’t. But Michael Guerin had seen them, surely. Had he made Alex feel okay about them? Had he comforted him? Had he gotten the entire story?

Forrest zoned out for too many seconds in a row and started actually choking to the point he fell back on his ass as he sucked in a deep breath. Alex was staring down at him with wide eyes.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked, voice sweet and full of genuine concern, “I’m sorry, did I-”

“No, you didn’t do anything, I’m just stupid,” Forrest laughed, managing a smile as he looked up at him, “I was thinking about dinner and forgot what I was doing.”

“Oh, jeez, I’m that much of a turn off?” Alex laughed, holding his hand out to help him to his feet. Forrest shook his head.

“No, I just didn’t eat much today,” Forrest lied. Alex gave an exaggerated pout.

“You should’ve said something, you wanna order pizza?” Alex suggested, pulling him in closer. Forrest rested his head on Alex’s, giving him a small kiss and loving the way he smiled against his lips. 

"Sounds good,” Forrest said. Alex smiled wider and pulled up his jeans before finding his phone. Forrest laid against his chest, letting Alex wrap his arms around him and order the pizza while he held him close without question.

Someone had to have showed Alex he was loved and needed, right? He wouldn’t be this sweet if they hadn’t.

Besides, they were old. He would be okay as long as he remembered that.

.3.

“And you’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Stop asking me or I’ll change my mind,” Alex laughed, quickly followed by a sneeze that rocked through his whole body and a loud groan. Forrest smiled in adoration, huffing a little laugh as he scooted a little closer. 

Forrest moved closer and gently pulled Alex’s stump into his lap, giving him one last look to make sure it was okay before he slowly started massaging the scar like Alex had showed him. It was something he’d seem Alex to before, but he never stared and had never offered to help. Help, this was the first time Alex even let him touch this specific scar. It was a lot for him and it was a massive privilege. 

“So, what does this do exactly?” Forrest asked, wanting to keep the conversation going.

“Well, it’s a desensitization technique that they made me start doing before I got my prosthetic. I think I could technically stop doing it, but it helps a lot with phantom pain and on days where I don’t use my prosthetic, it keeps the scar tissue used to movement and friction, stuff like that,” Alex explained, voice nasal from his stuffy nose. Forrest smiled a little helplessly at the sound.

“Do you want me to wash it too?” Forrest offered. Alex made a face.

“I can do that when I go to brush my teeth.”

“Okay,” Forrest said, not wanting to push. Alex hummed and settled into his pillow more. He was cute when he let his guard down. Well, he was _always_ cute, but it was infinitely more obvious on days like this when he was all soft and cuddly. He leaned down and pressed a kiss on his other leg.

“Don’t kiss me, you’re gonna get sick,” Alex scolded. Forrest laughed.

“It’s your leg, no sickness germs are going to seep out and get me sick anymore than just being around you will,” Forrest said. Alex groaned.

“I don’t want you to get sick,” Alex whined before repeating the same phrase he’d been saying since he got sick the day before, “You should go home.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Forrest insisted. Alex sighed semi-dramatically and looked up at him with the world’s sweetest eyes. 

Not for the first time, Forrest wondered just how much Alex _felt_ his own feelings. He always seemed hardened, but his eyes betrayed him and showed just how big his heart was. Forrest kissed his leg again.

“Thank you,” Alex sighed softly, “For taking care of me.”

“Always.”

.4.

“Stupid fucking hair regulations.”

“You could always say fuck the man and grow it out all long and nice,” Forrest suggested, honestly kind of sad as Alex plugged in the clippers. He hadn’t seen Alex with regulation hair, but he knew he liked having something to put his hands through.

“Not an option, unfortunately,” Alex huffed, turning on the clippers and just taking it to his head without hesitation. Forrest visibly grimaced as the side just fell off. “Stop it, you’re making this harder.”

“I’m sorry,” Forrest sighed, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. 

“It’s okay,” Alex said, buzzing off more. He left the top a little bit longer than the sides, but it wasn’t long _enough._ It really felt like the end of an era. Forrest watched closely, still, and he felt his eyebrows slowly come together as he saw a visible white line on the side of his head.

“Do you have a scar on your head?” he asked bluntly. Alex looked at him through the mirror.

“Yeah.”

“How?”

Alex didn’t answer right away, touching up his hair with unmatched precision. It made Forrest wonder how young he was when he started doing that by himself. Whenever he was in the military, he always had to get someone to help. Alex didn’t.

Eventually, Alex was done and he looked like a new person. Like a soldier. Forrest had mixed feelings.

“My dad made us keep regulation cuts when we were kids,” Alex explained, “My brother didn’t use a guard. Pretty sure he didn’t do it on purpose.”

Forrest’s whole body tensed and his eyes widened, involuntarily feeling the pain of it secondhand. Alex just stared at him, unflinching and unbothered. Maybe that was why he liked his hair long. There was a doubt in him on whether his brother had deliberately cut his head open.

“You okay?” Forrest asked cautiously. Alex nodded, shrugging it off.

“Yeah, my dad gave me stitches, I’m fine.”

The worst part was he said it like it was normal.

.5.

Forrest had his arms wrapped around Alex as tight as he could with the center console between them, shushing him as he sobbed into his chest.

He wasn’t sure what set him off. They’d been fine enough, just walking around the park and holding hands and talking about getting ice cream. Something had switched in him though as they passed the playground and Alex suggested they go right then, so they went back to the car. And then on the drive to the ice cream shop, Alex broke into tears. Forrest pulled over immediately to soothe him.

He knew Alex was a bit off when he woke up that morning, so he suggested the park to give him something chill to think about it. He didn’t expect anything there would set him off. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Forrest promised, trying to breathe in sync with Alex to ground him. It took awhile, but he eventually calmed down. He didn’t let go of Forrest’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered, “I didn’t mean to ruin your day.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, it’s okay. Don’t feel bad,” Forrest promised, pressing a soft kiss into the side of his head. Alex took another shaky breath, not moving from his place pressed into Forrest's chest.

Forrest thought back through all of the things Alex had subtly revealed about his childhood, trying to find a moment that could've hinted about a playground or a park being a trigger. He couldn't think of one, the closest one being his mom bringing all four of her sons to a park the day she ran off without a goodbye. But Alex never got like this when he talked about his mom.

"I'm sorry I brought you here," Forrest said, "I didn't know."

"No, it's just..." Alex said, sniffling as he sat up a little, "It's just a bad day. Could've been anything."

"But I knew that, so I'm still sorry," Forrest insisted. Alex huffed a small laugh, wiping his face dry as he sniffled again.

"You're too good to me," Alex said. Forrest shrugged and didn't say anything. He didn't feel like he was too good for Alex. In fact, he was still quite sure he wasn't good enough for him at all. "Guess I kind of owe you an explanation."

"You don't owe me anything," Forrest promised. Alex sniffled, shaking his head.

"No, I never give you an explanation, but this time I have one," Alex said, taking a deep, steadying breath. Forrest listened intently. "This, um, this was the park my dad took me when I was little when I got into trouble at school. I was, uh, super antagonistic in those years right after my mom left, I was so mad at everyone all the time. But, uh, he would take me here and every single time I could trick myself into thinking it was going to be okay. We'd walk around for an hour and we'd talk about what happened. He'd ask me why I did it, talk through it. It always seemed like it was going to end well. Then, um, then..."

"Alex," Forrest said softly, shaking his head, "You don't have to–"

"Then he told me to pick my own switch," Alex finished, breathing heavily. Forrest felt sick. "'Cause having a reason didn't excuse my actions, he said. I don't know, I just saw that tree and I just..."

"Jesus, Alex, I'm so sorry," Forrest breathed, leading him back to lay against his chest. He went willingly. He thought about Alex's body and tried to remember where scars from that might be. But Alex was six when his mom left, the chances of those having faded by now were high. And then Forrest was faced with the image of six year old Alex walking through the park, holding his dad's hand, and picking out the stick he'd get beaten with later that evening. "Fuck, I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Alex said, "I-It's not even that big of a deal, tons of people had to do that, I'm just having a bad day."

"It doesn't matter how many people had to do that, it's still fucked. You're allowed to be upset with that no matter what kind of day it is," Forrest insisted, "I'll pick a different park next time."

Alex gave a soft laugh, "Okay."

"You still want ice cream?" he wondered. Alex sniffled and shrugged. "How about we stop by the store and I'll run in and get some and then we can eat it in bed with Buffy?"

Alex took another breath, steadier than any of the ones before.

"I'd like that."

.+1.

Forrest woke up to frantic knocking on his front door and Buffy barking.

"Who the fuck–"

He stopped speaking when he opened the door to see Michael and Kyle carrying a limp Alex between them. He didn't even ask questions as he got out of the way, letting them pull Alex inside and lay him on the coffee table. Kyle ripped open his shirt to reveal a bullet wound in his stomach. Buffy barked in concern beside them, trying to peer onto the table.

"Oh my God," he breathed, panic rocking through him as he saw his boyfriend who said he was just going a recruitment trip. That wasn't supposed to lead to this.

"Sorry, you were just the closest and we can't bring him to the hospital without Isobel because they'll ask questions," Kyle explained.

"I-I don't understand," Forrest breathed, "How did he..."

"Get shot? Because your boyfriend is determined to die a martyr," Michael said, not taking his eyes off of the wound. Forrest could barely think straight. Actually, he couldn't at all. "Can you put the dog away?"

"He'll be okay," Kyle promised, looking up at Michael as Forrest dazedly led Buffy to the bathroom, "Do your thing."

And then Forrest really was hallucinating his entire night because Michael's hand started glowing.

It was alight for a few seconds before Alex's eyes opened. Michael lunged to the side, grabbing the bag Kyle thrusted at him and vomiting in it in the same moment Alex groaned in pain.

"Forrest, come distract him, I don't have any anesthetics," Kyle instructed, gloves somehow already on his hands. Forrest was shaking and his mind was scrambled, but he obeyed and knelt by Alex's head. He held his head in his hands.

"Hey, babe, definitely would've liked a heads up," Forrest said. Alex gave a dopey smile, still sweating and clearly in pain. Forrest gave him a kiss on the forehead and stole another look at his abdomen. The wound looked fifty times better than it had before Michael did the glowy thing. He filed that away for questions to ask later.

It was when Kyle neared it with a suture needle that Forrest looked back to Alex. He tensed whenever the needle pierced him, but he just took a shallow breath to keep still. He didn't scream, didn't flinch, just breathed. Forrest found his hand and let him squeeze even if it hurt.

"You're doing great," Forrest insisted. Alex just breathed in slowly. Michael appeared beside him then, breath smelling of vomit and nail polish remover. It was the worst smell he'd ever been forced to smell.

"You really gotta stop playing hero," Michael told him.

"Says you," Alex shot back. Forrest didn't comment, just pushed his hair back and pressed another kiss to his head. "Sorry if I get blood on your new rug."

"Hush, I don't care as long as you're okay," Forrest told him. Alex nodded, taking another deep breath.

They sat there while Kyle stitched him up, Forrest kissing his head and Michael squeezing Alex's other hand. Eventually, Kyle was done.

"Can we stay here? I don't want to move him more and I need to look over him," Kyle said. Forrest nodded.

"Yeah, whatever you need, just keep him safe," Forrest said. He sat there with Alex for a few more minutes before he managed to get himself to his feet. "Gonna go get you some water, okay?"

A few shaky steps later, Forrest was grabbing three ups and filling them with water. A hand reached around him to grab his cup and Forrest followed it to Michael. He had a billion questions, but the guy was clearly having his own rough day and the questions could be saved for the morning.

"Thank you," Forrest said, "Not sure exactly what you did, but... you helped him, I think, so... Thanks."

Michael paused in the middle of downing his water, slowly pulling it away from him mouth as he looked at Forrest. He waited for whatever kind of reaction someone has when they just saved their ex-boyfriend's life and then had that person's new boyfriend kiss them.

"You're treating him right, aren't you?" Michael asked. Forrest nodded.

"I'm doing my best," Forrest said. Michael nodded curtly.

"Good. He deserves it. Keep it up, bro," he said, voice a little awkward and disjointed. He reached out a little, hesitated, and then went through with patting Forrest on the shoulder before grabbing another cup and bringing it into the kitchen. Forrest was too overwhelmed to even process that that was weird and grabbed the final cup and following him.

Forrest knelt beside Alex and helped prop his head up to help him drink. He sighed thankfully as the water got into his system.

"You know, I usually let you slide on the explanation thing, but I think I need one this time," Forrest said to him. Alex looked at him with his warm eyes and nodded, his head resting comfortably in Forrest's palm. So he didn't move it when he let Alex's head back down.

"I will," Alex said.

"At least you got another scar for the collection, much cooler story," Michael said, a lighter tone in his voice. Alex snorted a laugh but groaned at the pain it brought him. "Sorry."

"No, you're good," Alex said, "You're right."

"There is absolutely nothing cool about being shot," Kyle scoffed.

"Shut up, Dr. McDreamy, you vote doesn't count," Michael said before looking at Forrest, "You think his scars are cool, don't you, Forrest?"

Forrest blinked at him and then looked down at Alex who was looking at him expectantly. He didn't know how to say that cool wasn't the word he'd use. Tragic, maybe, a sign of his strength. Not cool. But they made him Alex, so that was something cool.

"Yeah," Forrest agreed, "Very cool."

Alex smiled and closed his eyes and Forrest officially accepted that this was his life now.

He was absolutely okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
